90 day diary of a young woman's struggle to decide her fate and that of her
Warning!!!! This story is only meant to be read by adults who are mentally healthy and not suffering from depression.
First 3 pages from The Decision
THE LAST DAY
Fagan stood before the lavishly carved oak door of the Palace Hotel’s grandest
suite. Gently she fingered the door’s ornate escutcheon as she unlocked the
King’s Chamber. A warm glowing light covered her from the lit alabaster and brass
ceiling fixture. Soft haunting sounds of classical piano music escaped as she
began pushing the grand door open. She lingered in the hallway for a few
minutes longer taking in every rich detail of the Prodigal Son medieval
tapestry hanging on the wall.
inside the chamber’s large opulent living room, she slid off her tight dress
black heels and walked on the highly polished wood floor in her stocking feet.
Today was perfect. Everything went as planned, she said to herself while sitting on the
floor watching the cracking fire burning in the corner stone hearth. The flames
and the shadows they created on the walls and ceiling all danced to the new
sounds of heralding trumpets and violins.
The concierge must have told the housekeeper
to put the radio on when she started the fire. Nice touch.But now
it was time to do what I came to do.
walked past the open French glass doors that led to the bedroom. She took her
suitcase out of the closet and placed it on the elegant four-poster bed’s large
overstuffed mattress. From it, she took her diary, a bottle of Frangelica and
two plastic containers of pills.
lingering sent of jasmine and vanilla from the candles she burned last night
still lingered in the room. So this is
how it feels to wake up like a princess every morning of your life, she had
told herself that morning when the bright sunlight shown through the gothic
arched windows. This life was not meant
for the likes of me, she thought. Elizabeth again looked out the bedroom
windows at the Hudson River below and easily saw the New York City skyline to
the south. The night is so clear. Just as
clear as what I must do.
walked back into the living room and placed her red embroidered book and the
pills on top of the magnificent cherry finished Queen Ann desk that sat by the
far wall. Going over to the exquisitely carved cabinet in the corner, she took
out a large crystal wine goblet and filled it with the Frangelica. She savored
its flavorful sweetness as she sipped. Walking back to the desk, her worn diary
looked out of place next to the brown leather folder containing pieces of the
hotel’s expensive stationary. Embossed in gold, on the top of each page was a
picture of the King’s Chamber. Momentarily she considered using a piece for her
suicide note. That’s not the plan. I’ve
followed it this long. I’ll stay to it now. Elizabeth freshened her drink
and opened the containers of pills. She swallowed each one with sips of her
hazelnut drink in between. She took the hotel’s fancy fountain pen from its
holder and opened her journal. She began writing on the first page. The page
she had intentionally left blank three months ago.
Day 1, Labor Day, September 1
entry: I am going to kill myself. Oh, how just this simple act of writing these
words down has given me hope there will be an end to all my suffering. I have
been crying all week. Only now, as I sit here writing have the tears finally
stopped. I know that death is the grand finale. There is no coming back. So
many people fear it. And yet, for me it is the only way to peace. I have given
much thought on suicide as a viable solution. I have heard the cliché that
suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have not, nor am I
making this decision lightly. That is why I have given myself ninety days
before I do it.
days is a reasonable amount of time to consider something before doing it. I
came up with that number because I think I have enough money to support myself
for the next three months. Also, I don’t think by that time anyone will really
notice that I am pregnant.
plan for my life to be this way. I had no control over the turns it made. I
love Johnny. It made no difference what my family said about him or how many
times they preached and warned me that I’d end up nowhere with him. My parents,
my whole family DOESN’T understand love. Real love… the kind of love so
unconditional that you love your man no matter what. That’s how deeply I love
Johnny and I always will. I wanted to show them and prove them all wrong. Maybe
in time I will. That’s also why I have given myself ninety days.
all new to Johnny. I shouldn’t have told him I was pregnant during a fight. He
always says things he doesn’t mean when we argue. When he calms down, I know
he’ll take back the “Get rid of it!” he screamed at me. He always takes all the
hurtful words back and makes it up to me. That’s when he’s able to really show
me how much he loves me. He brings me flowers, takes me out to eat and makes
love to me. But it has never taken him this long before to come to his senses.
haven’t been able to sleep these last two weeks with all my crying. I have to
get control of my life. I have too. I have a baby to think of. This decision
affects it as much as me. Because of my lack of sleep, I realize that I have
become very forgetful and I am having trouble concentrating. I find myself
rambling on in my head with thoughts of every mistake and failure that make up
my horrible life. This is why I have decided to write all my thoughts and
decisions down. This way I will know that I have made this decision calmly and
rationally. This is my plan and the first step is to make a list of everything
I am 6
has left me.
family will not support me with a baby.
make enough money to be a single parent.
I have enough money to last me for ninety days.
WHAT I KNOW:
pregnant: Did 2 EPS urine pregnancy test at work.
gone: He took everything that was his out of our apartment.
chance he’ll be back: Really don’t know that for sure. He is badmouthing me.
But he could always come to his senses.
family will not help: They have never helped me in the past but this could be
make enough money to be a single parent: I can’t afford this apartment on my
salary alone. I’ll have to figure out on paper a budget to see if on my salary
if I could raise a child alone.
money to last ninety days: It takes 3 months before you can have your telephone,
electric and cable television turned off. This month’s rent is paid. I have
enough money in my checking account to pay next month’s rent and for the last
month, I can use my security.
is hurting too much to go on. It’s too hard to write through the tears. I’ll
stop now and continue tomorrow.